Whither my sexuality?

It seems I have reached a point where my sexual being is in a kind of limbo, between the worlds.

 

I’m 26 and have only recently begun to be sexually active. During my entire youth, I was way to shy around women, and indeed people in general, for anything to happen. I didn’t date, didn’t kiss, never even held hands with a girl. The slew of unrequited crushes I experienced during this time didn’t help at all.

After entering adulthood inexperienced, nervous about women and horribly naive about sexuality, at some point I realized I was interested in bdsm. Since then, I have been to several meetings of kinky people, even a playparty and have begun actively exploring my slutty, bicurious, kinky and foot-fetishistic side. However.

I ended up meeting a woman at one of my favourite watering holes less than two months ago. We’ve been knowing each other for a few years already and talked for a long time. It was late at night when she invited me to come up to her apartment, which was only a few steps away. There, we talked some more. Eventually, she invited me to stay the night and we both lay down in her bed (there wasn’t a sofa or some other place to sleep in her apartment).  After I while, she moved her head in my direction and was surprised when I didn’t realise she was trying to kiss me.

Damn I was clueless. Here we were, lying next to each other, nearly naked, and I never suspected something like that could happen. I explained to her why I had initially reacted that way, we kissed and… well that’s another story. But this experience was a wake up call for me. Hey, Fledglingraven, you aren’t the only person in the world who’s horny. Some of them might even be into you! Of course, I’ve already knew this on an intellectual level, but I never really grokked it.

And I realise that in social gatherings I’m unconsciously drawn to the women who are in relationships, or the lesbians. These feel “safe” for me. Or maybe it is more precise to say that I sometimes break off contact with or avoid women who I suspect might be single / interested in me / whatever, even if I’m interested, too.

Right now I’m a sexual half-creature, part kinky slut, part naive, terrified dork-boy. And I have no idea where I’m going next.

 

I’m back

I’ve been neglecting the Fledgeling Raven lately, but I have some entries in my mind, waiting to be written. I’ll aproach them next week. By the way, on August 13, there’s a Slutwalk in Munich, and I’m going to be there.

 

And now for something completely different: I still haven’t gotten the blog to display links. This sucks.

The numbers are against me

A few days ago, on a boring train ride, I had a calculator and Probability for Dummies with me and I took the results from a relationship poll on a forum for young kinky people apart.

Given that there are at least ten submissive men for each dominant woman, it is not surprising that this group finds it easiest to get a partner. 67.3 % of them are in a relationship. Next are submissive women, with 60.4 %. Dominant men have a 35.3% chance at love, and….

Now I know, being from ten percent of users in one forum, I know these numbers suffer from massive selection bias. They also don’t include people who switch, the answer options seem to automatically imply heterosexual, monogamous relationships and of course the cannot account for changing relationships, changing D/s preference etc..

Still, the numbers look very discouraging. In fact, they made me briefly flirt with the idea to get out of the kinky scene ASAP and resign myself to a strictly vanilla life, so as to not remain alone all my life. But I realize that cutting my sexuality down to the common denominator just out of cowardice would probably make me unappealing to any woman, no matter how kinky or vanilla she is. So I better take my chances – no matter how rotten they are.

First playparty

It’s only a couple of months since my first contact with the bdsm scene and I’ve already been to a playparty. It probably wasn’t the most lively party ever – in fact, it was quite cozy. I mostly enjoyed myself, though. Good music, good food, good people. I even got my chance to dip my toes into kinky water, when a really cute girl let me massage her feet, which went reasonably well, even if it was the first foot massage I’ve given (her feetback feedback was helpful, too).

I don’t know where I’ve read the truism that a lot of the action happens after the party, but it definitely worked that way for me. On the way back I had the wholly unexpected opportunity to practice on two more pairs of feet and even kiss one of them.

So, I’m beginning to realize that women do, in fact, want to do kinky/sexy things, and a few of them might even want to do them with me. That’s a thought I’ve always found hard to get into my head.

First real post

For at least five times now, I’ve sat down to write that first post, didn’t know what to write and ended up closing the browser tab.

I’m just going to post a small list of typical questions, before really diving into the interesting things in the next posts.

 

Are you vegetarian or vegan?

No.

Do you smoke?

Yes, but not daily.

Smoke something else than tobacco?

Once a year perhaps, when the opportunity presents itself.

Do you have tattoos or piercings?

No. I’d like to have my nipples pierced, though.

 Name a song that has helped you during a difficult time in your life.

Sigur Rós – Hoppipolla

Is there something you’d like to change about your body?

I’m not sure. I’ve even made piece with my thin hair. But I could really lose a couple of pounds.